Saturday, March 7, 2015

Follow the Bouncing Hemorrhoid

*Disclaimer: For those of you who don't understand how dark my sense of humor can get, this might be a rude awakening.*

Hemorrhoids (US English) or haemorrhoids UK /ˈhɛmərɔɪdz/, are vascular structures in the anal canal. In their normal state, they are cushions that help with stool control. They become pathological or piles when swollen or inflamed. At this point the condition is technically known as hemorrhoidal disease. h/t Wikipedia

Aren't you glad that you know this now? Well for me, the first time I had ever come across the term “hemorrhoid” was when one of the girls that used to beat me up in third grade, stopped punching me in the face for a minute, while sitting on me of course, to give me some sage advice. She said “girls are bitches and boys are hemorrhoids,” and then went back to giving me my Wednesday beat down. It did give me time to think about her analogy of course, even though I had no idea what a hemorrhoid was, and I understood the bitches part because I think that was a word I used before she was full into my beating.

Later on in life, weeks maybe, perhaps a month or so I had learned that a hemorrhoid was basically a pain in the ass, and being raised by and around women that typically referred to men this way, I pretty much got it. Even later on when I was having rather bad bleeding coming out of my ass, I unfortunately had to learn more about these stupid things. It is after all about knowledge of your own body that keeps you on this side of the dirt, and not talking to whatever entity you face after you die about poor decision making skills.

Before I get into all of the things I am inevitably going to type out that will offend someone I’m sure, I should take a moment to say that when I did finally go and have them knock my ass out so that they could go playing around in there, I had pre-cancerous polyps that had ruptured and not hemorrhoids. The mind is a terrible place, and I have since resorted to my favorite denial mechanism, which we would call humor. Whenever the issue about the fact that I am on the every three years a doctor goes playing around in my ass program, instead of the typical five, I will say something flippant like “because I got the butt cancer,” which isn't always popular.

This is how I am, and I am sorry for that, but there is an old saying that “I have to keep laughing so that I don’t start crying,” and that is how life goes for a lot of people. I just seem to forgo the “crying” part, which doesn't mean I don’t take my health seriously. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I take health very seriously, but the problem is that I don’t take life all that seriously. This leads me to the reason I started writing this today. You see I woke up and found a rather large growth on my rear end. Actually I found a really large growth in between my butt cheeks which has unfortunately for anyone expecting me to get serious now, will make a few people groan.

I immediately thought this had to be a hemorrhoid and I’m sorry folks, when on someone else and taken the right way this IS the source of some great comedy. I just spent the last two hours at the gym working on my back and shoulders and completely fixated on the growth on my rear end. I found it very entertaining actually, first trying to picture in my mind what it would be saying to me as I tried to lift properly, then noticing how all of the hip stretching I do that has made my back feel so much better now aggravates the eighth wonder of the world growing on my back side. Well what the hell else am I supposed to do? Head to the emergency room with a big old boil on my ass just to have some doctor that shares my sense of humor tell me it is just a brain tumor?

Needless to say after further investigation, and yes if you guessed mirror on the floor and me standing over it, you would be 100% correct, I have now realized that it is just the mother of all boils. I had a few laughs over all the Chinese food I ate for my birthday finding a way to escape my system. I then started envying Europeans that have a bidet and went under the sink to get the baby wipes that I saved just for a situation like this. I am eternally grateful that I can keep my sense of humor, understand that sometimes things are a lot simpler than my sick mind will allow them to be, and thanking God that I still have another year and a half before I have to start mixing up Maalox and Gatorade so that Dr. Feelyuck can go playing around in my rear end again. Oh you bet your ass I’ll be blogging that one too, so you have been warned.