Friday, January 29, 2016

The Great Fat Out 2016: Vol. 01


My company does what they call a "Fat Out" every year in an attempt to get everyone healthier. In past years I have usually been at the peak of health and unavailable to actually compete in this thing, but being the resident "healthy guy" and the resident "tech guy" I have usually been asked to be in charge of the thing. This year is basically the same except I managed to (out of laziness I'll admit) be in perfect shape to actually compete in this thing. Well in reality I have a chance this year at least. My body fat came in at a little under 20% and thanks to eating an entire Papa John's extra large last night and this morning before I went in to weigh in I bulked out at a whopping 189 lbs.

Well actually I wore 3 layers of clothes, steel toe boots and had my pockets full of change to get there, but cheating is every bit as much a part of this competition every year, and having kept track of it for everyone else, I am a foremost expert on it. Yes you see I am in it to win it, and I have some serious competition after all. I hear one of the competitors was smart enough to wear his wife's 3 lb ankle weights (why didn't I think of that?) and another one gave up coffee for two days and was so backed up that he already lost 10 lbs since he weighed in! Yes it does take a creative mind to stay on top of these things every year, not to say that I haven't been pounding the creatine pretty hard for the last month in an attempt to drop about 10 lbs of water at the end myself.

Now of course I probably have the diet and exercise advantage on my side, and I did drop 20 lbs last year to prove a point, so I at least know I can do it. My wife's lament that I didn't have an ass, that drove me to squats, deadlifts and everything else that has probably put at least a pound or two of muscle on my rear should change my goal weight to about 170 instead of the normal 165. I may have to think of some other creative ways to cheat, but let me assure you, as someone that has to take that massive diarrhea cocktail to clean myself up for the butt cancer test every three years, that never yields me more than a one or two pound loss. Then again that might be the only thing separating me from the losers who won't be taking home the UHD TV and the premium home theater sytem that I will be.

WISH ME LUCK! (or better yet help me figure out some other ways to cheat!)