Sunday, December 18, 2016

The Doctor Always Gets Me in the End


A few months back I found myself on a porn star's Google + page reading her posts. It's not like I am a stalker or anything (although her G+ page is a lot better than her Twitter or Facebook page, and her LinkedIN needs a lot of work) but she had a long post about the prep that she has to go through before she can do an anal sex scene. Amusingly enough what fascinated me about it was that it was the exact same procedure that I have to go through before my colonoscopy. I felt a little bit for her, because at least they knock me unconscious before they start inserting things into my rear end. All in all I also only have to go through this every three years.

At 46 years old and just having undergone my second colonoscopy, I probably don't have to tell you what they found in my last colonoscopy. For the record if you haven't gone for one of these yet, when they say "sign here if it is ok for us to dispose of anything we find" don't be an idiot and sign. Some things just can't be unseen. Well with that being said the last time they were in there they found a rather large pre-cancerous cyst that I had been ignoring for a few years despite the fact that I was bleeding out my rear end for pretty much that entire time. Thing was actually taking up a lot of room too, so needless to say it is a lot more comfortable on you when they get those things out of there regardless.

This put me on the "three year" plan for doing the whole porn star prep procedure, and it sucks quite a bit. Don't eat nuts, seeds or raw vegetables for three days (the bulk of my diet) don't eat anything for 24 hours (people who have seen me eat realize that alone is torture) then start dumping laxatives, gatoraid, mirolax and anything else that will flush the system for that 24 hour period. Then no liquids or anything whatsoever for three hours prior. By the time I finally get into the surgical center I am so dehydrated that my throat hurts, my lips are chapped, my eyes are swollen and of course I get the last surgery of the day, and it is over an hour late when I get in there. Another fun Friday for me, but at least I did this at the end of a two week vacation, so it was slightly less painful.

On a brighter note to all of this the doctor got in there and found absolutely nothing, minus a few hemorrhoids (oh bite me we all have those) and was not only able to write me a clean bill of health, but put me on the 5 year plan like the rest of the adults. Thankfully this will get me past 50 where my colonoscopies are completely paid for by my insurance (who said 21 was the last good birthday). Yes I got to pay 300 and some odd dollars for the ordeal because I am under 50, but then again I was under 50 with pre cancerous cysts in my ass. The ramifications of that, if I hadn't taken the right course could have been permanent, and extremely awful. I've had to watch a few family members die of colon cancer, and I assure a little discomfort every few years is worth the avoidance.